Last Thursday morning I scurried to pack my bags and hop on the road to Indianapolis for an entire weekend of happy, soul-nourishing, life-breathing interaction with beautifully vulnerable women at The Influence Conference. While driving I cranked out my best a cappella rendition of Pump of the Jam with the windows down for the sheer entertainment of fields of dried corn.
Nothing was standing in the way of my joy, and I was ready pull out my inner social-butterfly which, for this INTJ, is typically buried a little deeper than the average persons’ social prowess.
Bear in mind that I bought my ticket just one month prior to the conference and I determined that not knowing a soul wasn’t a valid reason to stay at home and miss out on an inaugural opportunity so conveniently close to home. So I went. Alone. Yet confident that the Lord would fill my heart with fast and forever friends.
Zoom forward a few hours.
Walking in early to help set up and prepare for the opening sessions I felt personally welcomed, loved and appreciated by these incredible ladies who took on the risk and responsibility for hosting this event: Moriah, Jessi, Hayley and Casey. {run…now…and read their blogs} I teamed up with the brilliant and beautiful Rebecca to make her whimsical and bold decor a reality {and she knocked it out!}. The afternoon was good. So so good.
And then it started…I felt like Alice must have felt as she tumbled down the rabbit hole. A seeming eternity of falling ending with a crash into Wonderland, I was equally as unsure and unsettled. Just like Alice, I felt like my entire weekend from that point forward was an oddly beautiful and lonely journey, yet I did meet the most fascinating and lovely new friends in the midst of my melancholy {Brooke, Brooke and Peggy}– even as I was fighting to find my way home.
Sitting emotionally paralyzed session after session I listened to brilliant speakers {another post on this later– maybe a few different ones– we’ll see} and felt like I was gasping for air. Terrified that someone would strike up a conversation and ask me about my shop or my blog, I knew that my only response would be to stare like a deer stands mesmerized by headlights. Because I was lost. I didn’t have an answer for who I was. I was only searching and I couldn’t bear to articulate something that I simply could not constrain.
But then in the midst of my introversion and at the depth of my emptiness, God met me through a speaker named Barrett Ward and his organization fashionABLE. I broke. I was emptied of me and filled up with the weight of Jesus. It was a heady cocktail of Life and overwhelming gratitude and enormous responsibility to not be moved to emotion but to be changed for action.
So here I sit at my computer. Staring at this screen and wondering, “Will I choose to use my voice for Influence?” Do I love enough to change the world? Will I persevere when I feel alone and my voice feels small? Can I trust that even when I have to push through a haze that God will still meet me right there in the fog?
I think I will. I think I can. I know I trust. I believe that I have Influence.
Even though my expectations were unmet, the truth is that they were MY expectations. They were expectations of a lighthearted weekend filled with giggles and photos and daydreams. My expectations were about me. The reality was about Him.
My hope and prayer is that next year I will have made a few tight sister-friends all because of this weekend and through this crazy-fied world of blogs and shops and virtual connection that is, nonetheless a very REAL connection, and that when Influence 2013 rolls around it might be full of giggles and photos and daydreams. But none of that would be possible without this year stripping me of me…and filling me with Jesus.
Thank you Influence speakers, hosts and leaders for not striving to meet our expectations, but instead, committing bring us Jesus.
I’m all in.
About Kirsten
This is an absolutely beautiful post! I can’t tell you how many times I said the day before I left that I didn’t think I would go. There were so many things trying their hardest to stand in my way, but I was determined to put on my big girl panties and do it anyways. I love love love your analogy of Alice – that’s how I felt exactly! I hope we can connect (email me!), as I’m a new-to-the-online-handmade-world, and I can definitely see some collaborations/sharing going on with us. Thank you for such a beautifully honest post! And sorry, I just rambled for a gazillion years!
Hi there, Lena! No way can you apologize for leaving such a sweet comment.
Yes, absolutely I will shoot you an email. I still feel a bit like I’m falling, only this time not into an abyss, but into a sea of to-do lists and organization. But I’m determined to keep trudging forward and giving myself grace when I can’t do it all perfectly. 
Oh Kirsten this brings tears to my eyes…. i felt and do feel the very same way! Thank you for providing a soft landing place where i could retreat when the walls came crashing in… for listening and letting me babble when the nerves become unsurmountable! You have no idea how many times i called home saying i wanted to come home… but i knew deep in my soul that i was right where the LORD had placed me. I can hardly wait to see what the next year will bring us! Take care my friend and thank you!
You’re so welcome! Getting to know you this weekend was like unearthing a hidden treasure. You are a gem. Thank you for the privilege Peggy!
How interesting that I would write my post about influence and post it shortly after you did. I’d been working on it all morning…and then when I put it up on Instagram, I saw yours too. Thanks for sharing this so realistically. I appreciate it and look forward to getting to know you this year.
I love the wonder of all of this instant-media stuff. Nice to come out and play when we’re ready. And stay in and soak up the silence when we’re not. I look forward to getting to know you more throughout the year too Jill!
loved this post! thank you for sharing your heart so beautifully!
Thank you for sharing your feelings honestly and kindly. You know, a lot of us felt like Alice, myself included. I am sorry you felt alone at this conference… Everytime I saw you you had a big smile on my face so I thought “shes having a great time” but I shouldve stopped and talked to you longer than a few seconds. Its so hard when there are so many people to just JUMP in.. I know. I am glad you made friendships with some other women and were moved by the Holy Spirit.
Hi Ashley! You are just too sweet. I should definitely state, you know…”for the record,” that I didn’t feel neglected or unwelcome at all. Not even a little. It was this strange sort of “paralyzed by my own inability to share who I am” feeling– especially in the blogging world.
But seriously, it was absolutely 1000% what I needed. And next year I really do plan to give lots more hugs, chatting it up and just feeling a bit more firm on my feet. Your smiles were always graciously received. My IRL BFF is an officers wife with one child. It made me smile a little brighter to learn a bit about you. 
I’m a generally an extra bubbly person (an odd introvert characteristic) so if I was smiling, it was genuinely me…just laced with a tinge of “Oh my! I’m overwhelmed!” It took the focus off of myself and placed it back on Him. Perfect.
Besides our blonde hair, I think we have a lot in common.
Every time I saw you throughout the conference – which was quite a few times! What went through my head was this:
“she is beautiful, surrounded by friends and has it going on.”
So I didn’t come say hi. I didn’t do what I should have done – I was too nervous and too worried about my own issues.
Will you forgive me? Forgive me for not getting over my fears and meeting you and other beautiful women at the conference?
Next year? will you save me a spot at the keynote session? So we can start out the weekend right?
Ahh…I had this great reply all typed out Kacia and my computer flaked out. Worst part? Command+Z didn’t fix it. Sniff. Sniff. Sniff.
YOU certainly did not one thing wrong– no one did. We all just adjusted to what we perceived and stepping away with and looking at things from a different perspective brings SO much in to focus. You are beautiful and precious {as I gathered from your gracious smile and joyful heart}!
Forgiveness runs two ways…I should have been bold and not so afraid of being unable to articulate myself that I instead opted not to SHARE myself. Ugh. Yech. I {<– Capital, bold, ME} apologize for not opening myself up and skipping right into the mix. Oh that my heart would stop letting the idea of perfection keep me from people.
As for next year? It’s a date!
You know, it is just now occurring to me what a dangerous place a fatih-based blogging conference is. Usually in a conference-type situation I would hide behind my best attempt at playing the extrovert. But at Influence, there was this undercurrent that none of this was about us, that Christ was waiting around each corner to stop us still and look us in the eye, to force us to take a good look at the “why” of what we do. Perhaps this explains how I felt “off” much of the time, even though I was around amazing people and enjoying them immensely. Thanks for such an honest response to the weekend and for being willing to be emptied out in order to be filled up. xo
Amanda! Wow…I just clicked on over and read your bio. I was so bowled over that I passed the laptop over to my husband and had him read it too. If I didn’t know that you weren’t me, I might be confused. I seriously GET you. I’m pretty sure that we need to sit down and snag a cup of coffee and just pour out our hearts for hours. Thank you for your sweet comment and for taking the time to stop by and share. Hugs! ~Kirsten
i LOVE what kacia wrote — i thought you had it going on too! rockin your cuteness and your beaitufl pixie. oh how i wish we had gotten to chat. that i had come and said hi — instead of being intimidated by your cuteness.
i love that you are coming back next year! a second chance for me to! lets for real hang!
and Barrett Ward. that man has rocked my life. you should email him (i actually already emailed him your post).
also…i looked for you late saturday night. we took a pixie picture. i’m going to photoshop you in!
Aww, Blair, your comment/s blessed me twice.
I just plain ol’ get nervous talking to people– adorable pixie cuts or not! Lol. I seriously could kick myself for not giving more hugs and getting to know hearts better. I actually didn’t get my ticket for next year yet– but I fully intend to! 
Scoping out your blog and sending you an email went on my “to do” list before I even left the conference. I’m just drawn to your sweet spunk and charm. And I know that I know that this group of women that I encountered this weekend, well, I’m pretty sure that in the very very near future that so many of them will be counted as my closest friends. I’m so thankful.
Oh yeah…I did send a long email to Marisa today and I almost cc’d Barrett, but I didn’t want to come across as anything but raw and sincere. So thank you for sharing my heart when I was too afraid. *This* is friendship. I’m blessed.
okay… i just wrote you a comment…not sure where it went. maybe it is somewhere… so if this ends up double… you’ll know i gltiched somewhere….
what i did say was…
i echo what Kacia said! i totally thought you had it going on! with that cute blonde pixie. is it totally weird i get nervous around other people with pixies … i so wish I had gotten up and said hi.
glad to see you are going next year! second chance for me too! lets hang!
i looked for you late saturday night when we snapped a pixie pic. we’ll have to photoshop you in!
also — barrett! Man he has just rocked my life. i emailed him this post. you should email him. he is just great!
I’m so incredibly thankful for your raw honesty and for sharing your heart. It’s SO hard to walk into something not knowing anyone and making REAL connections. We needed like a month instead of 3 days!!! Wow, The Mocha Club rocked my world too. Praying for you to make those REAL internet connections and that your cute self will be back next year full of giggles and feeling even more full than EVER. You are precious and loved.
Thank you so much, Kara Kae! You were such a sweet sunshiny face in the sea of new “friends.” I wish I had connected so much more pre-conference so I could’ve dove in head-first instead of simply sticking my toe in the water. But that’s my story now, right? I waded in this year so that I can dive in next! You are absolutely adored and SO SO SO appreciated. Your hard work, late nights and genuine willingness to connect via FB, Twitter and email before the conference never went unnoticed.
You rock girl! Hugs from back here in Indiana. 
friend. I want to personally apologize to you. Bc like others have said, I can think of twice that I saw you and should have come talked to you, connected with you more…and let my OWN insecurities get the best of me. Forgive me sister. I love you.
oh stop that! for real you precious one. isn’t that where we all were? too afraid of our own insecurities to step out and connect heart-to-heart and hand-to-hand in real life with people that we didn’t know? ESPECIALLY the people we didn’t “know?” my husband and i started our relationship long distance and the distance necessitated that we communicate with words and share our hearts either on the phone, by email or on instant messenger {oh that makes me feel old!} but you know, i think that blogs work the same way. we get to know people because we expose our hearts and let others in. through that process relationships are forged. in real life, where do you start? and even more importantly, how do you start when you feel like you only have 2 minutes to tell your story and let people know who you are in hyper drive? it runs counter to my inner introvert…but i’m working on it.
so for sure, and undoubtedly, i want to connect when i come down to dallas. you are rare and precious and i just adore you for being you. moreover i’m so thankful for this God-directed opportunity to connect with this amazing blogging community. *this* is good for our hearts– all of them.
ahhhh im obsessed with you!!! everything about this is so beautiful!!!!!! YES YES YES to Dallas!!!!!!!!!!- will you email me? lets trade phonenumbers
I am cracking up– and beaming at the same time because I *so* 100% feel the same way! Be on the lookout for an email within the next 24 hours.
It’s headed your direction precious one! 
Kirsten, this is a beautiful post–so honest and real and transparent! I identify with many of the feelings you mentioned. The weekend was so full and somewhat overwhelming for my introvert personality, but you were such a good friend to have close by. Grateful I got to meet you and I hope we can continue to keep in touch and attend the conference again next year!
You are so so sweet! I’m VERY grateful for time with both you sweet Brookes! Thank you for tweeting me from the get-go. I needed that. But what I’m processing through today is that it wasn’t simply about me. It was about everyone. As much as I’m afraid to, I need to reach out because like you were for me, I need to remember that I might be that friendly face and safe landing place for someone else. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
You were definitely a friendly face and safe landing place for me, too!
Ah, Kirsten. This is so poignant and beautifully written. As an INFP, I completely understand this. Well, I don’t know what it’s like for you, but I’m a starry-eyed idealist who is easily crushed when reality doesn’t live up to my expectations–especially when it comes to matters of faith.
I wish we’d gotten to chat this weekend. I hope your Influence experience was valuable, though it was difficult. Blessings to you, dear.
Aww, Anne, so sweet! You know, it was difficult, but not because of anyone other than myself and the emptying that God was doing in my heart so that he could pour more of himself back in. I wouldn’t change a moment of the weekend. I saw beautiful lovely real women. We were perfectly imperfect and thankfully next year I have another opportunity NOT to hide inside myself, but to pour out. I think that I needed this emptying though, because now I’m being abundantly refilled.
Thanks for such an honest response. This was a great reminder to me that I always need to be coming to the Lord first for filling up and then my external surroundings. I love that you are willing to be honest and share this with us, because I really believe that so many of us felt the same way. It was really easy for me to go into this weekend with lots of expectations – and some of those were met and some of those weren’t. But it’s such an encouragement to read this and remember the right thing to do with those expectations – as you did, bring them to the Lord. Thanks for sharing!
You’re so welcome. Sometimes its so difficult to write and share our perceptions as we are still processing through them. It’s like I want to hug each and every lady there and just double- and triple- tell them that they didn’t fail me. I didn’t fail myself either really. It was just a part of what the process NEEDED to be for me the first time around. And the beauty that is unfolding out of that vulnerability is just alarmingly real and stunning and life-giving. And it is building community and sister-bonds with other women– and those are the things that come from sharing our hearts rather than passing around our business cards. Now, passing around the business card is just plain smart, but those deep-calling-to-deep relationships, they are forming here– in the blogosphere {and of course real life- but I’m more chatting about the conference per se}. So many people had already experienced this incredible online community and for me, I think that it’s only post-conference that I really REALLY get what is so beautiful and captivating about this blogging network of women who just want to look a little more like Jesus each day. I’m so glad that I’m a part of it all.This introvert just had a smidge bit of trouble jumping in.
Kristen, I so appreciate your honesty in this post and wish our paths had crossed while at the conference. I don’t believe we met, but I think we have a lot in common =)
I understand the overwhelmed feelings and not knowing how to approach people and feeling as though everyone already knew each other.
I pray that the Lord will remind you of your value in Him and that He has perfectly wonderful plans for you and this beautiful blog.
I am so thankful to have come across it.
Much Love,
L
Love, love, love this post! So honest and poetic. I sat in Barrett’s session and felt such raw emotion as well. I was taking notes faster than my hand & heart could keep up. I’m adding you to my google reader, friend and very much look forward to reading more about your journey and your beautiful heart! ~Bri~
Love your honesty and everything! I didn’t go to the conference but I feel the same way about blogging and making friendships with other bloggers. I hope you find and believe in your influence!
Thank you so much, Rebecca. I love that nothing about my weekend was what I expected. Because really, the story is just now being written and so far the first chapter is captivating.
oye. this post was beautiful. being an introvert, highly sensitive person, + major home body, this is one of the many reasons why I didn’t attend this year. there were other insecurities that kept me home as well. I know without a doubt, after reading your blog, that we are very similar people. you have a beautiful heart! sounds like God did incredible, heart changing things that weekend.
I really want to go to influence next year but a part of me fears feeling like this because I haven’t really made many connections via blogs, BUT i hope I will from here to then
p.s your blog design makes me happy
hi there, grace! i’m so glad that you stopped by {and that my blog design makes you happy}!
i totally get what you are saying about the conference. i’m almost positive that i would’ve felt differently had i headed to influence with a gagillion other blog friends who i already had a connection with too. but i’m definitely thankful that this year was what it was. its given me a beautiful perspective for heading into next year. stick around the blog and keep connecting. i don’t think i ever quite got the importance of connecting– really connecting– with other bloggers either, but i am now. so really, i would love to get to know you. and if you decide to come to influence next year you’ll have a new friend just waiting to pull you in and make you feel welcome. 
thank you! I subscribed to your blog so I’m definitely going to stay connected! I think a hard part of connecting is everyone uses different platforms and my fave gfc is kind of irritating because you can’t unfollow old blogs. I feel a little scrambled when I look for blogs haha. The other thing is i try not to spend too much time on the computer so after blogging I sort of get lost looking at other people’s blogs and links and don’t leave comments and before I know it I spent an hour just clicking lol
I LOVE this post. I went knowing NO ONE in real life and came out with amazing tight friendships and a fire for the Lord like never before. But–truthfully, while I was there, I felt like you did, too.
I feel like you took the words right out of my mouth/brain! I felt the exact same way at Blissdom. I’m such a happy bubbly person, but throw me in a room full of people I’ve never met and I freeze. Thankfully I met a few women who were able to talk to strangers and made me feel much more comfortable
It is all about Jesus and I’m so glad his “hands and feet” found me and gave me a big ‘ol hug 
Next year, I’ll know what to expect and can hopefully be that big happy hug person for someone else 
Thank you for writing this, I feel much more normal now 
That blesses my heart, Lindsey! I spent those couple days wondering what exactly was wrong with *me* too! Thankfully, Jesus met me right where I was and showed up and showed off.
I couldn’t be more thankful! Maybe next year if you head back to Blissdom, we can squeeze each others’ necks and not be weird and lonely together! Hugs!!! 
Absolutely beautiful words. I sure hope I get to giggle with you in September.
Hi Nadine! Thank you so much. I haven’t bought my ticket yet because I still need to calendar a few things out, but I’m sure hoping that I make it there in September too!